Lord, I am tired.
Today’s events are a catalyst of such feelings, but also feel that the catalysts are just another camel’s back-breaking straw. (And just so you know how tired I am, it took a lot of mental gymnastics to put the aforementioned straw-phrase together in my mind.)
I’m tired of feeling like I’m constantly losing the big game. Tired of the daily rat-race I face to keep a roof over my head and the lights on. Am tired of the radio silence from once-friends. Am tired of the lack of spoons that I don’t have to do anything fulfilling. Am tired of stuffing myself into a box mandated by people around me despite knowing full well that I do not fit into said box. Am tired of being told that I need to try harder, given the old ‘pull yourself up/bootstraps’ mentality. Am tired of feeling like I’m being dangled a carrot that I will never be able to reach. I’m tired of living in a town where I know I don’t belong, where the people are just a bunch of ‘self’s — self-centered, self-entitled, self-aggrandizing, self-absorbed. I am tired of feeling like I am surrounded by people that “love and respect” me, yet here I am feeling the aloneness. I am tired of those that never have to deal with consequences. I’m tired of my lack of communications skills that I never seemed to learn and the frustration that accompanies this feeling. I am tired of feeling less-than, that I am a second, sometimes third, class person. I am tired of feeling like I’m about to score a touchdown only to find that the goalposts were moved at least three times in the two seconds I was making my play.Am tired of the lack of belonging. Tired of feeling like I’m still a little kid despite my adult age. I’m tired that I don’t feel comfortable seeking help opting to be self-sufficient due to negative experiences when I -did- ask for help during the “growing up” bit of life.
I just need a chair to sit in and rest for a while so that I might be able to breathe. Because I’m so tired.